Tuesday, May 15, 2007

The Drunke Identity

I have this sinking feeling that the only things I can comment upon - with any sincerity or depth - are things that have already happened. No one ever told me how to be interesting once the train wreck was cleared off the tracks. My whole 'adult' life, my whole 'persona,' has been built around one true thing: 'I am a mess.' Now I am not, and I don't know what to say anymore. It's pretty easy to sit around at 3AM, lamenting about how no one understands you - 'gets' you - when the only thing there is to 'get' is that you're hammered. Self-pity seems like good writing, so when the self-pity is gone, what do you write about?
Here's what I know:
I spent 22 years drinking, presumably to avoid any feelings associated with my daddy leaving us. In so doing, I created a situation that was ten billion times worse than anything I could have ironed out with a child psychologist.
Which is so something I wish I'd known then.
Why do we have to kill ourselves to understand that the pain we're running from simply can't be outrun?
As if I know.
So now, and help me out if you can, I must live within a construct wherein 1) I am not the life of the party, 2) I'm not sure I have anything interesting to say, 3) nothing is about me, and 4) I'm not mad anymore. When you define yourself with anger, resentment, temper-tantrums and self-destruction, something has to take its place when you get over it.
Which is where I am right now.
Who is Gretchen now? Is she still crazy?
I no longer crave death. I care more about what I have in common with people than what makes us different. I am not afraid of people anymore. I have begun to say 'fuck off' to my gozillion-pound ego. I expect good things, and I'm getting them. There are people who love me. I let them.
In short, who I am now is not drunk.
Which, after 22 years, is weird.

I'd like to think I'm still 'fun,' but I'm not sure it matters anymore. I don't know for sure what I am, so in the meantime I'm just gonna practice being Gretchen.

And vascillate between despising and revering Chuck Klosterman.

Your basic.


Anonymous said...

Hey, Just letting you know i read your blog as regularily as i can. Hardly can believe you're not drunk, I presume it's a temporary thing. Kidding Gretchen. Love the work, keep it up, Hope life treats you as good as you deserve

Darren Blanchard

Anonymous said...

Interesting Gretty. I am going through a mini version of what you just described. I got the advise that when you die you can see everything. Go back to the past and view your own life or see life as it goes on without you. however you do not get to have feelings about what you see. feelings are a privalege only to be experienced while you are here on earth. Because of that you need to relish feelings good or bad while here. Of course I didn't write as eloquently as it was told to me but I think that you probably get the point.