Tuesday, May 8, 2007

my selfishness knows no bounds

I received a forwarded e-mail today, and the 'goal' of the e-mail was to complete a list of 5,000 people who want to stand up, be counted, and tell the world they think drunk driving is wrong. Okay. Fine. I get that. Sure, drunk driving is like, super-wrong, everyone knows that; most of us have done it, most of us got away with it, probably all of us feel bad. Now, the point here is not that I was given an opportunity to loudly state this opinion; I was threatened into it. The e-mail tells me this: if I do not add my name to the list, (a remarkably simple thing to do), then 'my selfishness knows no bounds.' My selfishness knows no bounds. So now I know. If I don't do what forwarded e-mails tell me to do, this is an accurate gauge of how selfish I am.

And here I thought it was all about whether I stole money from my mom's purse or broke the TV antenna because I was sick of Andy Rooney.

Nope. Turns out selfishness, and its ceiling, has everything to do with whether or not you bow to the threats of forwarded e-mails.

Now that I know this, that there are no known boundaries which could possibly contain my selfishness, I feel entirely free to help myself to a twenty, get Andy Rooney out of my life, and perhaps even send out a few threatening e-mails.

Signing out,
The Most Boundlessly Selfish Person in all the World

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

1000 years bad luck
Not only are we truly selfish, but also doomed to 1000 years bad luck. Your post about the "guilted into signing the petition" email recalls an even more sinister email sibling - the chain letter. I don't know about you, but I tend to delete these emails without reading if they even hint of a chain mass email. Because of this, I realize I am doomed to at least 1000 year bad luck, as they all promise this. I also realize I am doomed to never find true love, as many of these evil letters promise to send you if you do pass it along to 10 friends.
And so it is, I sit here wallowing in my heartless, bad-luck, true-love deprived world. But I am not losing any sleep over it. Nor will I subject my friends to forwarded jokes, chain letters, and an endless stream of my-space friend requests. No, seriously, I promise not to.

Kato said...

I'm still feeling guilty for not helping that dude in Nigeria. He was like the Prince or something.

Jege (Jen) said...

I'd almost forgotten about that cocksucker Andy Rooney. Thanks a lot.

Anonymous said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU FRUITCAKE!!
LOVE YOU

Anonymous said...

Please send me the e-mail address of the drunk driving petition pusher. I have made it m,y life's mission to hunt down and kill these chain letter, petition pushing guilt mongerers. Their scalps hang from my car's bumpers, and help clean America's roads. Thank you for your outtrage. Rshides

Apathy17 said...

Everyone knows that "scared straight" hasn't worked on one single gay person yet. When will they learn? And, given the theoretical mathematical propogation of chain mails, at least one of the recipients has killed someone in a drunken crash, and at least one of the recipients has died at the hands of a drunk. Hmmmm...

I believe that my selfishness knows only the bounds of my imagination. And maybe the bounds of my unconscious.